I love my monolid eyes. I didn’t always.
I am a Hmong American woman. Growing up in a predominantly white neighborhood, my siblings, cousins and I were the only Asians at our elementary. Additionally, we represented the small majority of students of color at our elementary. One day in recess a boy in my class, whom all the girls had a crush on, approached me and asked, “Why do your eyes look like that, it’s weird, can you even see?”
I walked away from him and didn’t answer, I was too hurt to say anything. Sometimes kids at school would pull back their eyelids and say, “This is how small your eyes are, weirdo.” It made me feel embarrassed and ashamed. At 8 years old, I did not feel beautiful. Growing up, I was surrounded by classmates who all had western features with double eyelids, it was the norm. For them, seeing monolids was “foreign.”
I was born with monolid eyes. I was not born with a crease with my eyelids; a double-fold. Although it is common to have a monolid, it wasn’t a beauty standard to achieve growing up. Particularly in the Hmong and Asian culture. The desired eyelid was to have a double eyelid, it meant having larger eyes. A desired look in Asian culture. Despite my experiences at school, regarding my monolids, my experiences at home were not different. Many relatives made continuous comments to my parents about my eyes, such as “She’s so pretty… but her eyes are small. Tsk. When she’s older you could take her to get surgery for a double eyelid.” Or, “If only her eyes were bigger.”
Many of my cousins and sisters have large eyes with double eyelids, I love them all dearly they are beautiful and strong women I admire and grew up with. I would not be who I am today without them. However, I always felt hurt when older relatives would compare my cousin’s eyes with mine and deem my eyes ugly. I felt unworthy, like my monolids were not enough. One day, in fourth grade, I remember coming home and I was telling my mom about my day. We were watching a Korean drama and all the female actresses had double eyelids, unaware of the harm her comment had, she said, “You should get surgery for your eyes when you’re older, it would make your eyes appear larger.”
I would be a liar if I say I never considered eyelid surgery. At some point in my teenage life, I did seriously consider an eyelid surgery after high school. However, the thought of actually committing to plastic surgery was scary, even though, plastic surgery is a major (and popular) thing to do in Asia. Many individuals do it to change a feature they dislike, to heal something after an accident or simply because, it makes them happy. Hence, I am not here to belittle plastic surgery or the individuals who desire it, who have undergone surgery or who are seeking it. I am a strong believer people should do what makes them happy, in whatever shape or form that looks like. And so, for me, I realized sometime during my high school life that altering my physical feature through surgery would make me unhappy. Yet, I struggled to accept my monolids, I wanted to be beautiful. To feel worthy enough. I wanted large eyes like the Asian actresses I saw. I was told to try eyelid tape. I even tried to perfect my makeup to create the illusion of double eyelids. However, I never felt enough and doing my makeup in that way left me feeling empty. Like I was hiding my true self. I just wanted to be accepted for my monolids.
Even though makeup is an art form meant to enhance or create beauty by the makeup artist, I felt like I was doing makeup for the wrong reasons. I was doing my makeup to cover up a part of myself that I didn't embrace or feel comfortable with because of the standards I grew up in. Looking back, all those feelings of not feeling enough and wanting to be worthy are so silly but painful, because I know so many of my Asian sisters, with monolids, endured the same.
In high school I stumbled on Asian beauty Youtubers such as Weylie Hoang and Jen Chae. Both have monolids. They shared their stories and insecurities growing up with monolids. And the struggles they faced to embrace their eyes and how they overcame the Asian beauty standard in their families and in society. I was inspired, I was exposed to a community of Asian women on Youtube who expressed their insecurities growing up with monolids and how it impacted their self-esteem. In this community, I no longer felt alone for how my monolids do not meet the Asian beauty standard. This community empowered me to embrace my monolids. To finally hear people say monolids are beautiful, it was an emotional rollercoaster. I was exposed to beauty that had no standards, it was so different from what I was told growing up. It changed the way I viewed myself. I felt beautiful for who I am. Now, at 24 years old, I love who I am. I am not embarrassed and ashamed of my monolids. I no longer need the acceptance of others to know I am beautiful; monolids and all. I love my eyes and the skin I am in. I would not change myself any other way.
The beauty industry, pop culture and films are slowly changing in the ways Asian women are represented physically. There are more diverse features that represent the variety of eyes, bodies, skin color and hair Asian people have. This change can have a strong impact on what young Asian girls and boys see and how they view themselves. I am happy it is changing but we are not quite there yet. Society and Asian culture still have a long way to grow in seeing features, that fall outside the standard, as unique and beautiful.
So, to my fellow monolid Asian women and men, you are beautiful and you are enough. What makes you different is what makes you unique. Embrace and love yourself. Love your monolids; love your skin: pale or dark; love the freckles on your skin; and love your naturally thin frame or the curves on your body.
You are you, that is enough. You are worthy. You are beautiful. And you are a monolid goddess, do not let anyone tell you otherwise.
Thank you for reading,
Keetha, Lately
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